He made me a mother, but I felt like a failure.

Today is my son’s 4th birthday! He made me a mother – but I felt like a failure.

Austin is the coolest 4 year old I know. No, I’m not biased at all 😁. I remember when I found out I was pregnant. I put the pregnancy test in a gift bag and gave it to my husband. We had just started trying and thankfully we got pregnant right away.

Our excitement became emotional as I fell into his arms in tears. It was happiness, fear, anxiety, stress, gratitude & excitement all bottled up in one moment. We prayed together and sat in the moment. We were going to be PARENTS!!

Fast forward through my uneventful, healthy pregnancy where I travelled to Hawaii at 6 months gestation, climbed volcanos and swam in the ocean!! I started feeling contractions at 4:30pm Oct 25th. Being a new mom, I wasn’t sure it was the real thing, so I called my mother, who I swear appeared at my door in 5 minutes. I think she ran red lights or something πŸ˜‚.

Anywho, I called my husband and let him know things were happening. He came home from work excited! But my labour was slow progressing. We went to the hospital at 11pm that night, my mom and dad met us there. I was smiling after every ‘contraction’. My father said I was the cutest woman in labour he’d seen because I was smiling so much. LITTLE did I know that what I was experiencing was barely 1cm of dilation. They sent me home and I was DEVASTATED!!

On the way home, the labour pains began to intensify. We went back at 4am when I could no longer bare the pain. This time I wasn’t “cute”. I was crying and miserable. 3cm!! YAY. I was admitted and ready to push this baby out with EASE!! Or so I thought.

I made it to 5cm at 9am, got my epidural and waited, waited…and waited. By 4pm, I was still at 5cm. The Doctor was concerned about the baby’s heart decelerating during contractions and that he wasn’t moving down. My water was broken manually and there was meconium in it. So…at 5:30pm the decision was made the have an emergency C section.

I LOST MY…..you know what. I cried SO HARD. I felt like a total failure. I wasn’t able to dilate, I wouldn’t get to push my first born out and hold him in my arms. As a Registered Nurse I knew it was the right thing to do and its not a failure. But as a first time Mom I did not feel good about the decision.

Welp! I signed the papers, got wheeled down the hall, strapped to the table. And then I FELT TO SCALPEL. I had sensation – meaning, the epidural was not working. So, they gave me a general anesthetic. Another FAIL! My husband was not allowed in the ER and I was unconscious. So, no one saw my son being born. LOL. It’s a good thing he looks like us or else we’d have to wonder.

Breastfeeding was another FAIL…but I’ll leave that for another post.😁🀐

I felt like a failure, BUT I wasn’t. Having a C-section is NOT a failure. I will never forget my nurse who kept saying, “Dana, the goal is a healthy baby no matter how he comes out”. She was right. I did not see it that way then because I was so caught up in the ideal birth plan. I was focused on the wrong aspect of delivery. I was stuck on the process instead of the outcome.

I look at my 4 year old man-child and I am filled with joy and gratitude that God blessed us with such a wonderful human being! I remember the process but I don’t feel like a failure anymore. I feel like it’s just another unique part of his story and I’m just grateful for my healthy baby boy πŸ’™β€πŸ’™β€

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